Nothing like a wedding to bring out the best - and worst - in people. So tonight I went to what was supposed to be my eldest daughter's engagement party, but turned out to be her wedding. As usual, my parents stole all the credit and the limelight from me - I didn't even get a mention anywhere for the whole night, they just gave everyone the impression that they are her parents and the sole reason she turned out ok. So I'm a tad drunk while writing this (so yeah, excuse any spelling errors etc, because I'm not exactly in a fit state to spot them).
Never mind that my ex and his new wife and most of their 8 kids were there (they weren't supposed to be, except that my second daughter had told her dad about the secret wedding and of course he wanted in). This should have been one of the greatest and most amazing nights ever - but instead it was so fucking painful for me it wasn't funny. It was MY eldest daughter, my firstborn child, who got married tonight, and yet I might as well have been totally invisible at the wedding - I was just another guest. My father gave my daughter away and gave the father of the bride speech, and my mother totally lapped up all the attention due to mother of the bride - there were 150 people attending, and only my family and my daughter's new husband knew who the hell I was.
It should have been ME walking my baby down the aisle and making funny speeches about her childhood after the ceremony. I am so happy for her but at the same time I have never felt so much pain in my life. All of my family members who were there were in on it and treated me like a nobody - to the extent of refusing to acknowledge that I was even present at all. And I damn well SHOULD have belted my arrogant, misinformed shit of a brother in the mouth for his crap - he told me I should smile and have fun and that he wasn't going to say anything about what I have lost (meaning in short, it's all your fault so quit whining and suck it up). So yeah. Excuse me while I go and lose the plot completely now.
For those who are interested, yes my daughter looked absolutely gorgeous (she has promised to send me photos, so I will post some when I get them). I just wish I could take so much more pride in this thing that should have been so much more mine - but all I can think of right now is how much I have missed because of my parents' shit, and how they rub it in at every possible opportunity. My father even rolled his eyes at me and walked away tonight because the ONE thing I did was to tell him congratulations, you have yet again managed to make me feel like a complete outsider at my own daughter's wedding. And all because I was trying to avoid causing a scene on my daughter's biggest day.
I love you, kiddo. More than you will ever know.
That is all.