Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Sometimes I hate having a brain that never shuts up.....

It is currently 3:45am and as usual I can't sleep because my goddamn wiring doesn't allow my brain to switch off, and night time is when it does most of the processing of things that have happened recently...so I'm going to write this to get it out of my system and allow me to hopefully get some sleep.

 I really, REALLY do not like being lied to.

Why is it that lately, I seem to have had a bunch of people who I trusted implicitly who have now decided to lie to me about various things? Knowing full well that I can tell very easily when their words and their energy don't match, they still choose to take the cowardly route and be dishonest with me. I mean yanno, if what you're doing requires being lied about to get away with it, you might want to examine your motives very closely and rethink them, because if it requires dishonesty, it's NOT the right way to go about it (or even the right thing to be doing in the first place) and all you'll get out of it is negative energy and consequences, just sayin'. And if you haven't got the guts to tell me straight out what the story is without having to bullshit me, then you're not really a friend to start with and it makes me wonder whether you're even worth my time, because dishonesty is not something I want to keep around me and nor are people who can't be honest about who they are. And if you can't be honest with me about something important, how am I going to ever be sure that you are capable of ever being honest with me at all?

I don't know whether they think I'm stupid enough to believe their lies because I trusted them, or whether these people forget that I KNOW when they are lying (see above, I can tell quite easily when words and the energy behind them don't match), but I SERIOUSLY don't like dishonesty in any form, and I am singularly disappointed and unimpressed that these people who I trusted have seen fit to abuse that trust and try to lie to me. It's childish, dishonest and pretty damn gutless tbh, and I guess I'm sad that these people think that being dishonest is an acceptable way to treat someone who trusted them (and who they made a big deal about trusting, too, which makes it even worse). Guess I'm not as important to them as they claimed, and frankly, anyone who lies to me is given one chance and one chance only to redeem themselves and then they are shown the door, because I do NOT tolerate dishonesty in any form. I don't like lying and I don't disrespect anyone else by lying to them, and I am really disappointed that it has been done to me. Particularly because I have extended trust (something I don't do easily anyway) to the people who did it, and these people have also had their trust abused in the past so they should know way better than to do the same to others.

I have encountered a major shift in my emotional self lately where I have moved into a state of almost constant love, compassion, joy, gratitude and faith - but this kind of shit really makes it difficult to rise above the muck the people who do it create, or to stay thankful when I have people I thought I could trust betraying me and lying to me. I'm beginning to think that maybe I really AM better off without them around me at all, which kinda makes me sad because there's one or two I'll miss that I did genuinely care about, but they obviously don't want me around as anything more than a dog to kick for their amusement. Seriously, I don't need that level of immaturity and dysfunctional crap around me when I have worked so hard for so many years to be on top of my stuff and own it - I don't need people who can't be honest about who they are and where they are at, what they want or what they're doing and who see fit to not only lie about it but to be really negative toward me because I don't operate on the same base level that they do and won't engage in reactive or childish shitfights or tolerate being lied to for no good reason, let alone apparently for their amusement.

I have done more than enough parenting of my own kids, I don't need dysfunctional interactions with others who put me in the parent role by behaving in a painfully childish and immature manner and expecting me to not only tolerate it, but apparently to endorse it and allow them to run roughshod over me in the process (and quite often to belittle me for NOT engaging in the same type of behaviour - pffft, what am I, five years old? Seriously). And when someone has a go at me for doing something when they have done literally the EXACT same thing (but apparently it's ok for them to do it even though they had absolutely no basis for their actions, but when I had pretty concrete evidence for something I'm not allowed to draw conclusions from it and I get criticised for apparently lying about something because I drew the conclusions I did and I wasn't the only one who did it...yeah, pot, kettle, black, anyone?)

Funny how you find out who your real friends are when the shit hits the fan, isn't it? Guess I had a few less friends/family than I thought I did, because the ones who made the biggest noise about being there for me are nowhere to be seen. *shrugs* Oh well, guess that's where I'll just have to make sure I am next time they come running to me for something. Seriously, at this point I think the only thing to do is to become a bona fide hermit, because I am so damn sick of being fucked over by people who don't have the guts to be honest with me or even TALK to me about something when they have issues with me rather than running and talking to everyone BUT me. I can do without that in my life - I need people who have the heart to back the mouth and don't just spout whatever they think I want to hear or whatever they want me to believe, and sadly, those kinds of people seem to be in very short supply around me at this point, as do people who have the guts to be completely honest with me or who can do things without having to control or manipulate others.

Guess I really am a dinosaur, because I work on truth and trust and respect, and apparently that's so oldschool that it warrants being laughed at and abused by the dishonest and manipulative persons who obviously have no respect or honour. (Yes, I am that oldschool that I still believe in being honourable and having integrity - apparently I am a dying breed and nobody does that any more, because the vast majority of people I encounter have absolutely no concept of what constitutes appropriate behaviour/treatment of others, or they work on "do as I say, not as I do").  Apparently my definition of "commitment" is outdated, too - somewhere along the line it appears to have become acceptable to just suddenly decide that actually having to put any work into interactions with others is too much effort and it's ok to just ditch them and run, and not have to even bother explaining yourself or actually decide to stick with something for more than five minutes before it becomes too much effort because you are actually required to be present and actually put some work into building something with another person that you claim to care about.

Pfffffffffffft. No wonder I dislike people as a whole so intensely. Seriously. Just because I am capable of unconditional Love and Compassion, does not mean I either will, or have to, extend it to those who continually abuse it. There comes a time when the smart thing to do is to remove those types of people from my life and walk away, and find people who are capable of reciprocating what they are given and don't hide behind or project their dysfunctional behaviours as an excuse for treating other people like shit. Thankfully I do have a couple of people who are capable of this in my life, so I DO know the difference.


We now return you to the regularly scheduled programming of Love, Compassion and Gratitude.

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